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'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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Men have become the tools of their tools.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

I was googling for something else but this got my attention :)

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I am googling for something different but this got my attention :)

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Hello can I use a few sentences here in this post if I provide a backlink to your site? Peter :)

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Great article. Waiting for more.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

This domain seems to get a good ammount of visitors. How do you get traffic to it? It gives a nice unique spin on things. I guess having something real or substantial to talk about is the most important factor.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

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The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Top-notch news it is surely. My boss has been searching for this content

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

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Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Many thanks for the high-quality information listed here in your site, below is a little test for your blog viewers. Exactly who stated the following quotation? . . . .The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

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I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Thanks for the very good resources covered throughout your blog, below is a trivial quiz for your blog site subscribers. Who actually proclaimed the following quotation? . . . .The measure of a man is the way he bears up under misfortune.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

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The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

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The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

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When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

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There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Today's Lady News: Botox For Your Vajayjay?

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

where the theme of

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Many thanks for the splendid material included throughout your website, what follows is a small test for your blog site followers. Who actually stated the following quotation? . . . .Diligence is the mother of good luck.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I was googling for something else but this got my attention =)

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

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Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

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Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

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I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

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Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

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I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Ever considered adding some different viewings to your article? I think it might enhance everyone's understanding.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I think some of this content could have been copied, it's scattered across the net and other peoples websites, unless you're the original maker?

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

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We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

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The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

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Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Exposure, Depiction, Evidence, Capture, Mugshot

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Your site is very slow due to open

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

big entry you've latch on to

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

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Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

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Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

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True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

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Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

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Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

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Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

You can also put a chatbox on your blog for more interactivity among readers.~~;.`

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website offered us with valuable information to work on. You have done a formidable job and our whole community will be grateful to you.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I just added your RSS Feed on my RSS reader, it is so nice to read your blog.~*;*-

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

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If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

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I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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